Unwed Women Cause Increase in Heart-Attacks

According to the results of a study published by the Desi Heart Association, more and more Indians ages 60 to 70 are increasingly experiencing symptoms similar to cardiac arrest.

The reason behind what is now being called an epidemic is that women in their 20’s and 30’s are not choosing to elect marriage as a natural trajectory of life. This decision by many women in the Indian Diaspora is leaving parents and the community at large in a state of widespread panic and debilitation.

“I constantly feel heart palpitations and shooting pains in my chest when my daughter, now age 31, tells me she is happy being single and is in no rush to marry. No rush, yaar, can you believe?!! What sane woman is happy being single? This is western corruption,” screamed Rajesh Mishra, father of Karina Mishra and board director of the Minneapolis Mandir Association.

“WE WARNED KARINA OF THE PERILS OF BEING AN UNMARRIED GIRL AND OVER 30. WE HAD WARNED HER THAT WOMEN WILT LIKE LIFELESS FLOWERS VOID OF BEAUTY AND FRAGRANCE BY THE AGE OF 28. KARINA’S FATHER ADDED, “AND SHE HAS WILTED, LOOK AT HER SKIN, LOOK AT THE BAGS UNDER HER EYES! WHO WILL MARRY HER?”

His continued, for good measure,  “I cannot retire until this idiot gets married but she wants independence phindependence and career. We keep telling her why do you want to manage an office? Get married and manage a home and kids! That’s management! Useless girl.”

We had the opportunity to catch up with Karina, who by the way, was standing right next to her father when he called her an “idiot” and “useless.”

We asked Karina point blank why she does not want to enter matrimony.

“I JUST HAVEN’T MET THE ONE WHO DOES IT FOR ME. THIS ISN’T THE FRIGGIN’ 50’S. I DON’T NEED A MAN TO TAKE CARE OF ME FINANCIALLY OR EMOTIONALLY. I’M BAWSE. I FRIGGIN’ WORK IN A FORTUNE 500 COMPANY. I’M BALLIN’! AND I’M HAPPY TEST DRIVING MEN BEFORE COMMITTING TO ANYONE. I’M HAPPY JUST DOIN’ ME RIGHT NOW.”

Community elders fear the “epidemic of independence” and betas “doing me right now.” Elders believe that these women do not understand the self-inflicted danger of “appearing” so happy that they reconsider marriage. Community expert Dr. Mukhesh Aggrawal weighed in on the medical implications of this social phenomena.

AREY, IT IS SOCIAL SUICIDE, NOT FOR THE DAUGHTER BUT FOR HER PARENTS. UNMARRIED GIRLS BRING STRESS TO PARENTS, CAUSING SEVERE HEART PALPITATIONS AND HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, WHICH INCREASE THE CHANCES OF HEART ATTACKS AND OTHER STRESS-RELATED DISEASES. SO YES, THESE UNMARRIED WOMEN ARE SPREADING HEART ATTACKS.”

Dr. Aggrawal contended that the influx of heart attacks in the Indian community will continue to rise if this trend continues. “The more they are ‘OK’ being single, the more heart attacks we’ll see in the community. Simple maths, plain and simple. The only solution to this mass problem/ epidemic schmpedemic is for these useless girls to get married.”